he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize