Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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