mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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