Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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