I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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