we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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