He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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