I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
