Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
