You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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