I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
