We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
