Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
