I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
