If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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