if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
