Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
