just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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