all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
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I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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