i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
