He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
