It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
