If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
