you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
