so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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