"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you never un-have a 4some
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
