and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
