if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
