dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
