but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
