he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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