if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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