My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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