i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
