You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
