My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
