So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
