I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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