thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i want to swaddle you in tequila
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
