I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
