How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
