im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
