Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
