she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
