im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
