Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
