I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
