They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
