Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
