Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
