After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
