So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
