How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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