I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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